Lewis Life: November 2008

So I'm not exactly sure how to start, i've been comtemplating whether or not to talk about how this whole thing with Michelle and how it's been effecting me. I've decided for once to really show my feelings, and if you read this, please don't share anything i've written in here with me, I'd appreciate not being embaraced please, it'll only make me cry in public and i work so hard each day to avoid that.
Before I had Michelle, when I knew her special circumstances, I really felt like it wouldn't be that hard, from what the doctors explained to me, it would be a few weeks till she was stiched up then just a few more weeks and she'd be coming home to me. Well the weeks have been passing by and it just feels like everyday there's something new that they weren't expecting to happen making it just that much longer till she comes home. Its just such a burden to carry when I can't go anywhere without seeing all the parents so happy to be with there beautiful children, playing and laughing and being able to live each day nowing they're together. I can't work longer then a couple of hours without having to go to the backroom to cry, and when im at home i can't cry because it just makes it harder for Jason and his Mom and when im at the hospital I hold back the tears the best I can when someone new comes in every few minutes explaining why my babies still on this ventilator and I can't touch her because it hurts her so much just to get a kiss on the forehead. And then i look at all the other parents in the room and I just don't think its fair to have so many parents having to live without their children, and we all try to support eachother but we just feel so helpless our selves. Right now I just don't know what to do anymore, Michelle was only suppose to be on the ventilator for 2 days, and be eating by now, thats what everyone told me, but now its been a week and she's still on it, looking so helpless and she tries to cry but she can't and it just breaks my heart, and I feel like at the time I need my mom the most Im realizing how much she could help right now, but she's not here and i just don't know how much more i can take.....
thank you for listening, im sorry my thoughts are so jumbled....