So I'm not exactly sure how to start, i've been comtemplating whether or not to talk about how this whole thing with Michelle and how it's been effecting me. I've decided for once to really show my feelings, and if you read this, please don't share anything i've written in here with me, I'd appreciate not being embaraced please, it'll only make me cry in public and i work so hard each day to avoid that.
Before I had Michelle, when I knew her special circumstances, I really felt like it wouldn't be that hard, from what the doctors explained to me, it would be a few weeks till she was stiched up then just a few more weeks and she'd be coming home to me. Well the weeks have been passing by and it just feels like everyday there's something new that they weren't expecting to happen making it just that much longer till she comes home. Its just such a burden to carry when I can't go anywhere without seeing all the parents so happy to be with there beautiful children, playing and laughing and being able to live each day nowing they're together. I can't work longer then a couple of hours without having to go to the backroom to cry, and when im at home i can't cry because it just makes it harder for Jason and his Mom and when im at the hospital I hold back the tears the best I can when someone new comes in every few minutes explaining why my babies still on this ventilator and I can't touch her because it hurts her so much just to get a kiss on the forehead. And then i look at all the other parents in the room and I just don't think its fair to have so many parents having to live without their children, and we all try to support eachother but we just feel so helpless our selves. Right now I just don't know what to do anymore, Michelle was only suppose to be on the ventilator for 2 days, and be eating by now, thats what everyone told me, but now its been a week and she's still on it, looking so helpless and she tries to cry but she can't and it just breaks my heart, and I feel like at the time I need my mom the most Im realizing how much she could help right now, but she's not here and i just don't know how much more i can take.....
thank you for listening, im sorry my thoughts are so jumbled....
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3 comments:
Heather, that is so great that you could get your feelings out in writing. I knew this was harder on you than you were letting on, rightfully so. I truly cannot imagine what you are going through, and I wish I could take some of the burden off of you and carry it myself. All you can do is pray for heavenly father to help you through this, and know that Michelle is in his hands, and that he loves you and he is the ONLY one who knows EXACTLY how you feel, because he has experienced each one of our sorrows and our pains. He is mindful of you at this time, and he has not left you. As always, if you ever feel like there is something I can do, or you need to talk, you know I am here. I know you like to put on a brave face for everyone, but you don't need to be strong for everyone, maybe the best thing for YOU would be to not hold back, maybe it would help you cope through all of this? No one expects you to be made of stone, no one is, and when you look back at this time, years from now, maybe you'd feel better knowing you didn't hold anything back...? All I am meaning is, don't think you have to do this all on your own and show your brave face to everyone you pass, if you bottle it all up inside it will make it that much harder on you. I pray for you everyday, you mean soo much to me Heather. I am glad we have been able to grow closer over the last couple years. I am sorry about all the time we missed. You are a wonderful person, I am glad to call you Sister. You are stronger than you know, hang in there. I love you!
Hello Heather,
It sounds like you are dealing with a number of hardships, 1) Michelle's condition, 2) the situation isn't unfolding as optimistically as you were lead to believe, 3) you are suffering because self judgements arise about how you are handling the situation versus how you "should" handle the situation, and 4) you are suffering because your situation seems so much worse when you compare your situation to that of other parents with their healthy babies. So, it isn't just Michelle that needs to heal, but yourself, Jason, and the immediate family. Do you have access to a professional counselor that can help you through this? If you can try to let go of your expectations and work with the actual situation as it arises that might help you out. You are dealing with something you have never had to deal with before so don't expect to be at your best every step of the way and seek out support from those that have dealt with similar situations. If your pain manifests in public try to accept it and if embarrassment arises acknowledge it and accept it as well. If you can accept yourself and the situation as they are then you won't have to suffer because you and the situation are not something they aren't. There is no "right" way to go through a difficult situation for the first time. Sometimes we have to just find our way as best we can without the benefit of experience to guide us with only the help of family, friends, and knowledgeable professionals. I learned a great approach to dealing with overwhelming problems in the movie "Touching the Void." Don't try to conceptually deal with the problem all at once, look instead at the next 20 minutes and know that you can fight your way through that, and then the next 20 minutes, ... The situation is going to change as it unfolds anyway so not having rigid expectations that look too far into the future might help. Look how far Michelle, you, and Jason have come already. You look at Michelle and you see her suffering, but she also has the strength of a life struggling to survive. I'm sorry that you are suffering.
Heather, I don't know if you remember me but I'm one of Merrilee’s friends. I think that it is great that you are able to share your feeling...don't be embarrassed by them, they are beautiful, they are a mothers love for her child. there is nothing in this world stronger then that. My son was in the NICU for three days and then life flighted and stayed another two weeks at Mckay Dee. I didn't understand anything that the Dr.s were saying, it didn't make any sense to me. There is nothing that anyone can say to make it better, it is hell on earth to have your baby laying helpless while you watch. Like Mer said Heavenly Father was there for me and he is there for you. At a time like this so many things go through your mind and you are so busy that god is pushed aside even though you are praying to him and pleading with him. Next Sunday is fast Sunday, me and my husband will be praying and fasting for your family and especially for Michelle. She is so beautiful! I think that showing your feelings make you so brave, hiding them is what make it so hard. You have a wonderful heart and I'm so glad that you shared! I hope that you don't mind that I look at your blog to see al the cute picture's, and that I talk to Mer to see how you are doing.
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